Anne
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Anne" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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01:11 am
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03:45 pm
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Yard Sale & Job Stuff
I did the yard sale thing this Saturday. It was kind of scary. The neighbor's had warned me not to put the signs up until I had everything out. Only I overslept and it looked like it might rain, so I got part of the stuff out and then put the signs up. I didn't even make it back down my street before someone showed up. It was madness for a while. Some very nice people showed up, some very obnoxious people also showed up. One guy took a bottle of perfume that was brand new. You would think he could afford to pay $10 for it.
I ended up minus some stuff, but still with enough stuff to have another yard sale next weekend. Hopefully I won't be by myself in selling stuff and trying to manage everything by myself. I am tired of having so much stuff, and I don't want to take it with me when I move.
I don't know when or where I will end up moving. I have to start all over again in the job hunting process which is very depressing. The hospital I thought I had a job at doesn't seem to value anything but the results of their test. The lady I interviewed even had the nerve to imply that many businesses use this tool and unless one scores a certain way a person should forget about getting a job in that field. I wonder if they will change their tune as the nursing shortage gets worse. It is discouraging to have worked so hard for a degree and then have the first place you interview with suggest that maybe it isn't what you should be doing with your life.
Right now I am angry, discouraged, and questioning a lot of things. I am tired of getting my hopes up only to have everything fall apart. I am now on Plan C - which isn’t well formed and consists mostly of filling out applications at places that look interesting. I still would like an ER internship, but it may be too late for that. I wouldn’t mind waiting if I could get some sort of job in-between, but I don’t even know if that is possible. I also will scream if I have to watch that Johnson & Johnson commercial about being a nurse one more time.
Current Mood:  frustrated
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01:47 pm
[Link] | My door chime problem will be fixed tomorrow. I felt a little bad calling the guy to tell him there was a problem. It was really nice of him to agree to fix the door and the air conditioning in the first place. He said it was no problem and that he would "swing by" tomorrow and fix it for me.
Then he asked me out to dinner. I didn't say yes and I didn't say no. I just told him that my life was a bit crazy right now. Which is the truth. I don't know how long I will be in Maryland. I'm guessing around a week. If I take the job I don't know how much time I will have to pack and move there. He seems like a nice guy, and getting to know him better as a friend is something that I am not opposed to. I just doubt I would be interested in anything more, and I hate the idea of leading anyone on. He smokes and I don't usually date smokers. I hate the way it smells. I am terrible at knowing how to handle these situations.
Current Mood:  confused
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10:12 pm
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*&%*$#! car door chime
The last few days have been spent getting my car fixed. It flunked inspection due to the tailpipes being rusted out and needing new bulbs in a couple of lights. It also wasn't running well. So $550 dollars later after having a tune up and the injectors cleaned it runs very well. Somehow getting things fixed on the car inspires me to clean the car. Especially when the alternative is studying. So I cleaned it. It has been vacuumed, steam cleaned, treated with armour all (including the tires - yes I got a bit carried away), and waxed. It looks quite nice. One of the mechanics from the garage where I got the car fixed agreed to do some work on the side. My air conditioning now blows cold air and I have the panel back on the passenger side door. I am very happy about this. My car now looks like it is only 5 or 6 years old instead of 16 (it was a granny car kept in a garage for most of it's life).
Since I was so happy I decided to go to go for a drive. Everything was perfect. Except the &*$#*! door chime stayed on. I checked to make sure all the doors were shut, made sure the seat belt was latched. It still chimed. I thought that maybe I could pull the fuse that controlled it. Only when I looked on the internet I found that the control for the dinger is behind the panel that I just had put on.
I am supposed to drive to Maryland next week. I am used to having old cars with quirky problems. It doesn't bother me that if I spray the windshield the wipers won't turn off until I turn off the engine. Having the odometer stuck at 86,000 miles is acceptable - even if it confuses the hell out of the guys at Jiffy Lube. I am very talented at opening the front door of the car at ATM's, parking gates, and drive thru window since the driver's side window won't open. But I don't think I can deal with 7 1/2 hours of door chime. I am not sure that 3 poodles will be able to deal with it any better than I can and they will be in the car with me.
I know things could be worse, and in a way the problem is kind of funny. Only I am supposed to take the NCLEX Tuesday and then go to Maryland for a job interview. So I am a bit stressed out right now. Okay I am very stressed out right now. The only good thing about that is I lose weight when I get stressed.
I am going to try studying again now. Wish me luck.
Current Mood:  stressed out
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12:56 am
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Graduation
I have graduated! The ceremony was nice. The school went to a lot of effort to make it special for us and it showed. I hadn’t had good experiences in the past and so was worried about this one. I am happy to report that while it was not perfect, nothing awful happened either. I decided that way too many people had cameras. When we walked in to Pomp and Circumstance it was very intimidating to have 500 people staring at you, with at least 300 of those individuals armed with cameras and frantically snapping photographs. I don’t get stage fright easily, but I kind of felt like a deer trapped in the headlights with all the flash bulbs going off.
The speakers were funny, and other than minor issues with lighting the lamps we did what we were supposed to without anyone messing up. This was a vast improvement from the morning practice when it became apparent that we weren’t so smooth at walking in a line, and saying the Florence Nightingale pledge was a bit of a mess. Everyone stumbled when we got to the line about “deleterious and detrimental” as at least half of the class didn’t know how to pronounce deleterious. It was a bit embarrasing.
I got a trophy and certificate for graduating with the highest g.p.a. in the class along with two other students who also had 4.0's. It was nice to get the recognition. It was even nicer to know that the girls who were jealous and treated me badly had to sit and watch me get the award and then listen to the college president gush about how a “4.0 in nursing school was a g.p.a. on steroids”. My father was quite proud, and ran out into the aisle close to the stage to get a good picture of me when I received the award. A security guard briefly tried to stop him, but backed off when my dad informed him “that’s my kid on stage”. After the ceremony many instructors and classmates said some really nice things about it to me. That made it all worthwhile.
My lamp got dropped and the base broke during the reception. I thought at first it would be a big deal, but decided that since there were parts of nursing school that were really broken a lamp with some cracks and character might be more appropriate. My mother also pointed out that the lamp on the trophy I had received was a much nicer one anyway. She is right about that.
The best part of all of this was that, unbelievably, I got a “do over” that I never thought would be possible. I was the valedictorian of my paramedic school class and was very proud of that. Unfortunately my grandpa died a few days before the ceremony and his funeral was held the same day as my graduation. This was way too much to deal with in one day and I was never able to hang the award up. I went to the paramedic graduation the next year as I was doing an internship with the school. I think part of me wanted to be able to enjoy that graduation somehow as I wasn’t able to enjoy mine. I quickly realized that while I wanted to be able to have that graduation day back, under different circumstances, it wasn’t going to happen. Nothing was going to fix it, or suddenly make that day right, it was just gone. I don’t feel that way anymore, and I think I might just finally be able to hang the other award up.
Current Mood:  accomplished
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09:41 pm
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Stupid Cap
I am not sure the whole using KY jelly to glue the ribbon on my cap is working. The stupid ribbon does not want to nicely curve along the cap and lay flat. Nooo! It feels it necessary to pucker and buckle all over the place. I cut it in half as a fellow student suggested. That didn’t work joining it in the middle. So I decided on one piece for the center and then another two pieces, one for each side. I hope this works. I don’t remember the caps we wore for graduation pictures having puckered ribbons. This wasn’t supposed to be so difficult!
Current Mood: frustrated
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03:01 am
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Ready for Graduation
I haven’t written in here for a while. I have been writing in my private journal instead. I have been deeply hurt and disappointed by quite a few people the last few months and it has made me want to withdraw into a shell and not interact with others much. I am trying to work through all of it but it is a slow process.
I graduate Wednesday night. It doesn’t seem real yet. I am happy and proud, but sad too as everything is changing and there has been a lot of things to say goodbye to. I am hoping for a good graduation this time. I am scared because my other graduations (college and paramedic school) got messed up in one way or another and I suppose that is curbing a lot of my enthusiasm. Sort of a don't get your hopes up and you won't get disappointed kind of thing. I will enjoy the fact that I will graduate with honors at the top of my class. I had to suffer through a lot of petty jealousy from classmates in the process of getting there, but I think the reward will be worth it. I know that grades aren’t everything, and getting A’s rather than B’s and some C’s doesn’t make someone a better nurse. Getting all A’s was something I did for myself to prove I could do it and because it mattered to me and I got a great sense of accomplishment from it.
I am also still giggling at the last thing my instructor felt it necessary to teach before she felt we were ready to become nurses. That was that the best way to glue the ribbon on our caps was to use KY jelly. As you can imagine the discussion that followed wasn’t exactly tame and I’m afraid I know way too much about the lube preferences of my classmates now.
Current Mood: accomplished
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05:30 pm
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ER Observation Day
I am currently trying to compose an email to my clinical instructor in response to her email, that is slightly accusatory, about my clinical observation day in the ER. She isn't sure that I showed up where she arranged it. I did and the lady I was supposed to meet at 7am wasn't going to be in until 8:30. Not only that but it was in the observation unit, which as it turns out is completely separate from the ER and is basically the same as floor nursing but with more variety and an ability to charge more for the services (each and every needle stick according to one of the nurses there). I am a bit irritated with her about it. I was very clear that I wanted to observe in the ER. Evidently she didn't bother to listen. I didn't intend to let her screw this up and took matters into my own hands. I was observing in the main ER within 15 minutes and didn't care one bit if she didn't like it.
I am happy to report that I enjoyed the experience a great deal and definitely want to work in the emergency room. I felt totally comfortable there. It was like being in a separate universe as compared to what it is like on the med-surg. units. The staff was really nice, everything is computerized, and even though it was busy I felt like I would be able to handle it with no problem. I saw a bunch of cool things including an open tib/fib dislocation.
I hope that the lady I was supposed to observe with was not greatly inconvenienced, but if she was then my instructor should be the one to apologize to her for not listening to me and arranging the wrong experience in the first place. It amazes me how she can be such a great instructor and a nice person, and yet has totally managed to be exactly what I did not need this semester.
Current Mood:  proud of myself
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12:05 pm
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It’s Summer!
Today’s weather forecast 85 and sunny. Tomorrow 84. Now I just have to find my short sleeve shirts.
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10:44 pm
[Link] | Hi!!!!!
This is Ariel and Stinker. We just wanted to let you know what Mom did to us. See we were perfectly fine this weekend. Minding our own business, guarding our rawhide collection.
Then Mom had free time. This doesn’t happen much anymore. Usually she is gone or studying and doesn’t take care of important stuff like rubbing our tummies. I mean sure we get peanut butter dog biscuits and everything, but we just want attention.
Yeah, my turn. This is Stinker. I want to talk. Your hogging the computer. Mom dumped us in the tub, which always makes me mad. So I got grumpy and started a fight with my mom. She doesn’t need attention I do. I know, I have two moms, and most dogs don’t get to have doggy and human moms. Still I want ATTENTION!!!!!!!! I am the baby and two of them telling me what to do all the time is just too much.
Okay, that’s enough, this is Ariel. I’m sorry I have to apologize for my daughter, she forgets I am bigger and can flatten her. Which is totally necessary because she has this diva thing going on. I tried, to be nice, but it just doesn’t work. Anyway after she turned into psycho bitch in the tub, mom took that blowy thing and got us all dry and fluffy. I laughed because Stinker got tortured with the clippy things first. I was hoping she would forget about me, but no such luck. This is what we look like now. I don’t know who decided we needed these pom pom things.
Psycho Bitch? I am not. See mom forgets that this is what happened just before. I was sleeping in the bed, minding my own business and the she climbs in and look:
Now who is the bitch?
Uh Oh mom is back we better go before she finds out. She gets really mad when we fight.
Current Mood: bitchy
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04:31 pm
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Stupidity
I am trying to be less grumpy. It isn’t that I want to be negative, I will fully admit that I have a lot of really good things in my life and I totally appreciate them. It’s just that some things bug me, and I am tired and stressed so bitching comes naturally under these circumstances. I even wrote an email to this one reporter last night who had the nerve to lump nurses in with retail and food service workers and didn’t understand why the weekend shift differential was so large.
I don’t know if it is just me, but it seems that there is a lot of stupidity going on in the world lately. For instance is a cartoon, really worth rioting and killing your fellow rioters over? I can understand that they find it offensive, I can understand objecting, and canceling business deals, but the rioting is beyond me. It just makes me think that they are crazy. I am glad I have grown up in a country with free speech that doesn’t go nuts if someone publishes an offensive cartoon. The reaction just seems way out of proportion to me. I am sure I am not being as culturally sensitive as I should be, but I am tired of people constantly finding reasons to hate, kill and blow things up. Why can’t human beings grow up, be tolerant of each other’s differences, and settle things maturely rather than looking for reasons to kill one another?
I am also tired of the fact that our country is being run by morons. I have never seen such a mess in my life. I laughed so hard the other morning when one of the BBC’s news headlines was “Watch your back, you might get shot by the U.S. Vice president.” I will say that I am secretly pleased when stuff like this makes our current government look bad. I didn’t vote for them, and I hope the people who did are realizing what a terrible mistake they made. Lately it just seems to be one screw up after another.
Current Mood: bitchy
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10:28 pm
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Plastic Surgery and Plastic Staples
I survived the picture taking, and the pictures actually turned out pretty good, even though I was teased about how long it probably took me to put on my makeup today. This was immediately upstaged by my friend who had to have her pictures retaken because the photographer used the wrong angle which did not hide the fact that one of her nostrils is higher than the other. This is a fact that I have never noticed until she pointed it out today despite the fact that her nose got a bit of scrutiny after she had a nose job this summer. She got a little upset when I asked her why she didn’t have her plastic surgeon fix that if it bothered her so much. Evidently the nose job is supposed to be hush hush. I think we are pretty evenly matched in the being overly vain department.
After the pictures we went to Borders to sit, talk, and look at magazines. In the process of this I found this cool little device. http://www.insorb.com/indexHome.html Anyone who knows me well knows I have this absolute horror of stitches and scars. I also don’t like the idea of metal staples as they leave even worse railroad track scars. This device staples the skin closed from underneath with dissolvable plastic staples. So no need to remove them, no railroad track scars, it is as fast as stapling, doesn’t carry the risk of infection that sutures do, and unlike dermabond can close long incisions, or those under tension with really good cosmetic results.
Current Mood: pleased
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12:09 am
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A Dilemma
I think I have become a little clearer about where I want to live after graduation in the last few days and it isn’t in the South. One of the reasons is the Florence Nightingale pledge that is part of the pinning ceremony when nurses graduate. No one knows who really wrote the Nightingale pledge. It was just named after her and has become a tradition. Being a non-christian and a firm believer in the separation of church and state I find the first line “ “I solemnly pledge myself before god” a bit offensive. As I currently live in the bible belt I am sure that my “praise the lord” classmates will not be at all sympathetic or understanding of my objection to this. They are stuck on the “With loyalty I will endeavor to aid the physician in his work” line as being the only problem. So I feel quite alone with my dilemma. Do I keep my mouth shut during the first part of the pledge, or do I say what it should have been which is “I solemnly pledge myself before all the gods and goddesses”. I say this because the pledge was adapted from the Hippocratic Oath which starts with “I SWEAR by Apollo the physician, and Aesculapius, and Health, and All-heal, and all the gods and goddesses, that, according to my ability and judgment,.......”
The pinning ceremony is important and matters to me which is why this bothers me. I can’t pledge to an entity I don’t believe in, yet making the pledge is a big symbolic part of becoming a member of the medical profession. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t different and could go along with things like this and believe what the mainstream does. Only I don’t. I never did. In elementary school I never said god during the pledge of allegiance or sung the word as part of songs. I tried to believe a few times, but never found any compelling reason too. I’m not really much of anything. I lean towards paganism as I have always felt a connection with nature, but I don’t really practice it. I only wish there was real separation of church and state.
Current Mood:  lonely
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08:32 pm
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Tired
I think exhaustion is going to have a whole new meaning this semester. I had a test this morning and paperwork due. So of course I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night. Somehow I pulled it off and did okay on the test, and even though I didn't think I did so well on the paperwork my CI liked it. Then after the test I spent the rest of the day getting pt. info for clinical tomorrow. I am so tired that I times I felt like I was kind of swaying. I wanted to get out of there quickly, but everyone wanted the charts and one pt. kept leaving the floor for tests along with her chart. I finally gave up. I want to sleep now, but I haven't even started writing up the meds. I wish I had more energy.
Current Mood: exhausted
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09:10 pm
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Yay, for having a great clinical instructor this semester.
This morning I realized I was pretty happy. I’m tired, cranky, and a bit overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do, but I still feel positive about the semester and life in general. Clinical’s will be rough because they are two days a week this semester which is mentally and physically exhausting. The good part is that I got a clinical instructor who is perfect for me. She is very reassuring, and positive, along with being demanding. I am on a cardiac surgery floor and I really like it. Last semester I worried because I would never have wanted a job on the floor we were on. It seemed too stressful in a bad way - too much work, no time to really spend with patients, and nothing exciting ever happened - just crap to clean up. The cardiac floor is different. The patients are not falling apart, interesting stuff happens and there is this really cute PA who all the nurses are chasing after. Cardiology is just more interesting than GI or oncology will ever be. I like watching the monitors, and changing dressings. So far I have gotten to see two cardioversions, pacer wires pulled and a chest tube pulled. Not the absolute most exciting things, but still neat and pretty cool.
My clinical group could be better, but could also be a lot worse. We work well together, but I am not friends with any of them. This kind of bothered me at first, but then I realized that if they were part of a larger group, I wouldn’t have picked out any of them to be friends with. We just don’t have much in common. They probably feel the same about me. I wish I could have made more friends in nursing school, but a community college in the bible belt of the south just wasn’t the place for me to find people I had a lot in common with. It seems weird in a way that it is just a few blocks from where I went to high school and made some of the best friends that I have ever had.
Current Mood: crazy
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12:14 am
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Shopping
I have been doing the shop till you drop thing the last two days. I didn’t intend to get so much stuff, but the after X-mas clearances have been awesome. So far I have managed to totally outfit my travel bar, and the liquor cabinet in my desk, along with getting a poker set. I think I am getting tired of being so goody, goody all of the time. I also got this incredible dress today. It is a full length black velvet, skin tight, Morticia type dress. I also got 5" platform boots, and thigh high hose to go with it - all on clearance. Courtney, this means that we need to go to Legends.
Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: Bring me to Life - Evanescence
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12:53 pm
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I'm Normal and Happy!
Your Social Dysfunction:
Happy
You're a happy person - you have a good amount of self-esteem, and are socially healthy. While this isn't a social dysfunction per se, you're definitely not normal. Consider yourself lucky: you walk that fine line between 'normal' and being outright narcissistic. You're rare - which is something else to be happy about.
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Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.
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Well I thought that I was getting to be in a better place, and if this quiz is to be believed I guess I am. Yay me! I just hope I can stay in a good place for a while. At least school this semester should be better. I think our instructors have decided that we have passed the torture tests. They seem to be all supportive this semester telling us we will be fine, and that they are here to help us put everything together so that we are ready to be nurses by graduation.
Current Mood: accomplished
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02:22 am
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Ask Don't Assume
I spent the day hanging out with Courtney. I like it when we spend time together and really connect. Lately we haven’t spent so much time together and sometimes our conversations are awkward and I feel like we aren’t as close as we used to be. I felt like the way I was handling a situation had irritated her and that we were drifting apart. I got up the courage to ask her about it this evening. I am glad I did. She said that sometimes she makes plans several days in advance and then finds that she is tired or doesn’t feel like going out at the appointed time. Only she doesn’t want to dissapoint, or let anyone down by cancelling. So she shows up only her heart isn’t in the meeting and she finds she is easily irritated, or not all there. As a result our interactions can range from two best friends bonding to a friendly, but stilted conversation. As I am paranoid, and had a father who always assumed I was to blame if there was a problem in a friendship, I assumed I was bothering her, or we were drifting apart. It is wonderful to know that we aren’t.
I am starting to learn that it is critical for me to ask the people I interact with directly when I notice changes in our relationships. I have been conditioned to blame myself every time there is a problem - whether it is my fault or not. I don’t have a lot of confidence in my ability to make friends, and often think I am boring or annoying. As I am also sensitive this leads to a great deal of social anxiety, self doubt, and depression. The reality is that often I am not responsible for the situation. Or I am not doing anything wrong, but have managed to inadvertently trigger issues the other person has. I am going to continue my new approach of asking for information. I think so often our interactions get messed up because we assume rather than ask.
Off to bed so that I can start my last semester of nursing school in the morning.
Current Mood: sleepy
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04:41 am
[Link] | There are times I don't feel like being mature. When I am pissed and would like to have the opportunity to use very creative language to tell certain persons what I think of them. I don't care if it hurts them. Actually it would make me feel quite good to hurt them and make them feel bad. I am being quite immature right now and don't care. (BTW This isn't someone I care about, or am friends with, because I could never act that badly towards a friend.) I am not sure I would ever have the guts to actually do it, but it might be quite satisfying to actually get the courage to do something like that. Someday....
Current Mood: angry
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11:55 pm
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New Year's Resolutions
I woke up this morning with the very strong sense that it was a new year and that I was going to have to make some HUGE decisions this year. That scared and confused me a great deal. Especially when I realized that no matter what decision I make I will end up hurting someone I care about. So, while I know that there are drastic changes in the near future once I graduate, I still have some time to consider all my options and make the best decision that is right for me.
I have also done a lot of thinking lately about what my new year’s resolutions should be. I took risks in the last year, and there were a lot of rewards as a result. I got hurt badly too, but I am realizing that sometimes that is unavoidable. In order to live completely, one has to be willing to reach out to others, to trust, love, and feel great emotion. I have often been scared of that. It feels incredibly vulnerable to risk giving others the opportunity to hurt me deeply by letting them know who I really am, and by showing that I really care. Only when I don’t and play it safe I lose out on just as much. I don’t want to be cold and cynical, I want to be warm and caring, and if I get hurt as a result of that then it is just the price I have to pay. The reward is that by giving more of myself I will have other friends who will be there to care and pick up the pieces.
I have really connected with some friends this year - old and new. Especially ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) you_are_broken, , jewelyaz, and Kelle. What has struck me about these connections is that they were possible because they were so warm and friendly. They reached out, made sure that I knew that they cared and as a result some really incredible friendships and interactions resulted. I fear rejection and they were so open with the fact that they wanted me to be a friend that I found myself sharing things that I thought I could never talk about, laughing, and realizing that I was in a much healthier place as a result. Their love got me through tough situations, and helped me keep perspective when I got overwhelmed by the stress in my life. I only hope that I was able to give some of that back, and I hope that I will learn to reach out to others so that they feel that they can connect with me. I am also grateful for my best friend ladykatryen who was always there for me, and willing to listen even though she was having a tough year herself.
I have found that there are men in the world who are the really good guys. Who really want to get to know me for who I am and will stick around even if I just want to be friends, proving in the process that they aren’t just interested in my appearance or trying to get me into bed. I have D to thank for that. I was scared that all the good guys were already taken and he proved that a few still exist. I also have to thank ferociousbcycad for once again making me feel pretty.
So this year I want to be a better friend and to continue to make more friends, but not so many that I can’t be there for the ones that already matter a great deal to me. I want to constantly work on being a better person, and listening more. I am often guilty of getting caught up in my own issues and letting that overwhelm my ability to be there for others. I have been challenging myself lately, by not taking the easy way out and I want to continue to do that. I want to graduate from nursing school with perfect grades and never stop learning and trying to be the best nurse possible - even when it gets scary and difficult. Finally I want to keep the weight I lost off because it gives me a self confidence that matters.
Current Mood:  contemplative
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